Ain't a joke

I find it amusing how we tend to laugh at such serious matters.

But isn't it funny to simply think about it? Perhaps it's the most overrated defense mechanism! Well, yes, maybe it is.

I'm having a swell weekend, hope you are too! Thanks for dropping by, kind stranger!

Please don't leave me

I somehow think that even time wants to stop itself, basing from what has happened these past few days. In relation to my previous entries, here's a song that I know Peter Pan would love:

I was never really fond of "no classes" but world, take your time. I know this is only for the better.

Easier said than done

As you may have noticed, I'm fond of lists:

Perhaps so do the other 10+ people on Facebook who have liked this photo the moment I posted it.

Happy high

Things that made me feel like a kid this past week, and thus made be happy:

1. Getting free stuff. Not just candies and toys this time, I was fortunate enough to get our group's copy of Miss Cathy and Pia's book, "Heaven's Butterfly." I have been intrigued by this book for quite some time now and am grateful to have finally read and shared it with my friends. I encourage everyone to do the same.

2. Being able to do arts and crafts again. I'm a sucker for all things artsy fartsy, so when Ma'am asked us to draw in class and for our homework, I got so excited. I may not be the most skilled when it comes to drawing or coloring or whatnot, but I enjoy every second of expressing myself through it. Besides, I miss that old hobby of mine. Too bad it has been neglected and forgotten due to the busyness of school.

That's it! I can only wish for more opportunities like this. Thank you, as always!

Never ever land

Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting.

- Peter Pan

Baby steps I have to follow

There will always be a kid in me.

I finally know that now, nineteen years and seven months into this life. Though I may be considered an adult by many, I still laugh and cry at the simplest things such as when I witness the beauty of the sunset or allow the cool breeze that come along with the rain to caress me whenever I'm overwhelmed by the busy and stressful days that await me.

Yes, I will always be that kid.

I tend to hold on to things that even when they are taken away from me, I refuse to accept the fact that they are. I was never a big fan of coming into terms with something. I long hated the feelings that rush to me once I do. It's a mix of everything and it gets confusing and frustrating, I can't begin to attend to each one.

But I guess there’s a kid in each and every one of us.

We refuse to face the realities of life even though it has been there, right in front of us, for so long. Some of us even pretend that these problems don’t exist at all, dismissing the thought of being left by a loved one through a break-up, thinking that there are far more important things in life to focus on than a recently ended relationship.

However, it’s only when we see the child in us, we see the adult in us too.

By being aware of the difference of the two, we gradually and eventually learn how to let things go—especially the ones we have no right to get a grip on, those that shouldn’t be holding on to (at least not anymore). We grow, we mature, we move on. We have to. Although it may feel like “one step forward, two steps back” for a time, sooner or later we are impelled to stop regressing and start going forward full speed ahead. That, or we get stuck to where we’ve always been: rock bottom. And mind you, it’s not such a pretty place to stay in for a very long time.

I like the adult in me much better, though.

Truth is, I like being responsible, despite the fact that it wears me out almost all the time. Knowing that I can do anything, even turning my life around, keeps me going. The comforts of being a kid will surely be missed. But to an extent, that having someone to take care of me all the time and watching over my every move can be a bit limiting is an understatement. Just like everybody else, I thrive to be on my own, to take ownership of my self. How can I do that if I remain a child forever?

Still, I’m not saying goodbye.

I know for a fact that I’ll still be meeting with the child in me very soon, because life has been made to have an unexpected nature and I’ll never know when the next “crisis” happens, when the adult in me will feel very lonely. But until that moment, the child in me will be missed.

Word of warning

Something I had to learn the hard way today and days leading to right now:

First of the many

Dear Mama and Papa,

By the time you read this, I have already boarded the Kindertransport on my way to a different country, with my return and our reunion being uncertain.

I don't think I've ever told you how thankful I am to have such wonderful parents like you. You've been very caring of me, teaching me all there is I need to know about life. I hope you won't worry too much about me, I'll be the good girl you always wanted me to be. I'll obey the rules and orders of my foster family and hopefully learn to love them in time.

I promise to write you letters every chance I get and I'll be waiting for your replies. I'll do the best I can to get you out of Germany, I'll find a way.

Please pray for me and my siblings for we too will pray for one another. The Lord will be here to guide us and keep us safe no matter what. I know we'll be together again after all of these events are through.

I love you both very much.

Sasi, 10 years old

In times of trouble

I couldn't imagine myself being one of those children in the Kindertransport. And I don't even want to think about it.

But if I were, at 10 years old, told to pack my bags because I had to leave for another country into the homes of strangers and be away from the comforts of my family, I would definitely bring the following items:

A journal to write all my thoughts and feelings in, because I would need to express myself then more than ever. And perhaps I could compile all the things that I've written and turn it into a book in the future.

My stuffed animal that has been with me since birth. At least I still keep a piece of home and family while I'm in an unknown land.

A photo album with lots of our family photos. So I could keep everyone close to me, despite the distance between us. I will always remember each and every one of them.

My favorite coat to keep me warm and most especially when I'm in need of a loved one's embrace.

And finally, my Bible. For my soul will always rest in Him. I know that everything happens for a reason and in the end, His plan will always be followed. I shall hope that one day, our family will be complete again because that's what God wants for us.

For the love of family

In one way or another, I was moved by everyone in the film: the children, the parents, and the rescuers. I find it impossible to not have felt for anyone after watching the entire movie.

But the person who particularly struck me was Lore Segal, who was 10 years old when she was taken away from her parents. She was a very obedient child that even though she didn’t like to or didn’t know what was happening and what will happen to her, she still followed her parents’ order: she still rode on the Kindertransport.

It seems to me it was a gift–didn’t think so at the time.

Other than the fact that had I undergone the same experiences as her, I too would produce a book about it because it was the only way to express myself and let go of the emotional baggage I have long carried, I thought she was one of the few children that didn’t lose hope about getting her parents out of the catastrophe in Vienna.

Being on the first Kindertransport to leave her country, she felt obliged to bring everyone else to safety, “Before long, I had a list of people who I, at 10 years old, had promised to save from Hitler.”

She made it her top priority to rescue the people she loved as if she had nothing else to do but that. The whole plan dominated her thoughts and deeds, “I think I had a sense...while I was playing, while I was laughing, that was the moment in which I could’ve been and should’ve been doing something about this demand on me that I should bring my parents out.”

She was the one who wrote letters to relatives that eventually reached the Refugee Committee in London and helped to get her parents a domestic service visa. She did whatever she could to be the hero of the family.

Had that happened to me, I too would do the same. I would do whatever it takes to have the rest of my family with me, even if it meant asking strangers for assistance. In the face of adversity, I would step up and make sure that our family is safe from harm.

To this day, I feel responsible for the welfare of my family after the separation of our parents. Despite technically being the second eldest (my twin sister was born a minute before me), I have made it a point that as I am about to finish college here in Ateneo, I will help paying the debts of my mom and give my family the life we deserved—free from fear of not being able to pay the bills on time, enjoying everyday together in our peaceful home.

Be nice to the kids

It’s only now that I regret not paying much attention in any of my History classes.

On second thought, I doubt that we even discussed about the Nazis. Our high school lectures were limited to the events in the Philippines, Asia, and a bit of the rest of the world. And then when I reached second year in college, I took Asian History instead of Western.

The only thing I knew, from my friends who love reading encyclopedias and history books on their free time, was that Adolf Hitler and his followers mistreated a lot of people. And that’s that.

So it wouldn’t have been much of a surprise that when we watched the film Into the Arms of Strangers for class two weeks ago, I got so shocked with what I saw. I never knew how pitiless the Nazis were to the Jews.

As the movie progressed, I can’t help but feel bad for myself for being too historically ignorant. I wasn’t able to understand fully how and why those circumstances happened, but rest assured, I felt a tingle of depression after every five minutes of the documentary.

However, the advent of the Kindertransport was another issue. No matter how ruthless separating young children from their parents may have seemed at that time, I thought the system was a good enough solution for the safety of the kids and for them to have better chances at living.

Going back to Day 1

After today, I felt compelled to share this video on my blog. Perhaps it perfectly captures how everyday battles should be looked at: with a head held high, but not too high to strain the neck. For no matter what, nobody can stop the inevitable tears from falling.

We all want to be happy--if only we could stay happy forever. We cringe at the prospect of saying goodbye. But when something beautiful ends, it will always leave behind a special part in us. For the moments that once touched us, those things that we gave our all to, they will remain in us and be cherished forever.

Or maybe it was because I just missed having such an outlet to express myself that urged me to post this, I'm not so sure.

Still so proud of how our video project for Basic TV and Video Production class last semester turned out. And I'm glad to have met such wonderful groupmates that I now consider my good friends.

I don't like Physics

To lose someone you love is not like losing your car keys. It’s like the laws of gravity have been repealed. We need to reclaim the law of gravity to survive…and that is the work of grief.

- Peter Marris

Memories of a forgotten childhood

At the age of nine, I got so excited at the prospect of our family spending summertime abroad. We have always planned to visit relatives who were residing in the United States of America but it was only until March of 2000 that we were all set, holding passports with visas and plane tickets in one hand, and each other in another.

What exactly made me so giddy was that our two-months-long itinerary was practically filled with theme park visits. You see, I have grown to love the pretty sights and rides of Disneyland and Universal Studios, thanks to international magazines my aunts send me. Unfortunately though, I barely have had the chance to have such “magical” experience. Living in the modest city of Iloilo limited me to small-scale rides found in annual events such as school fairs and town fiestas. Sometimes, when I get lucky, there are also the occasional flights to Manila when Enchanted Kingdom and Star City visits are a must. But that was just about it. This was why our US trip was a big thing for me.

You may think I’m much of an adrenaline junkie because of my affinity to theme parks. But, for the life of me, I have never been a fan of one thing: roller coasters.

I hate the wrenching feeling it gives me before, during, and after the ride. It makes me want to throw up, as if organs inside my body are mixing up without me knowing what’s really happening. I keep worrying that my stomach and my brain get jumbled up in the process. If anything, it was that feeling that I hated most about the ride.

Sadly enough, there had been countless times that I experienced these twists and turns even outside the amusement parks; cases in which, like most people, I have a hard time dealing with.

A roller coaster ride is what I instantly think of whenever I hear the word “grief.” It’s when a person extremely sad and in deep and profound sorrow. It’s a response to a great loss or a big regret. I normally equate grief with pain and suffering because that’s what anyone usually feels after losing something so important to them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a loved one’s death; people can get grief-stricken over missed opportunities or wasted chances.

My childhood revolved around Disney princesses and Barbie dolls and my life was as simple as dressing my toys up with colorful outfits made for every possible occasion. Bedtime stories were told to make me sleep as fast as I could so that my parents too could rest after a day’s work. As I grew older (but not old enough to stop the stories), I managed to question the fairytales my mom kept reading to me every night: What’s a wicked witch or an evil stepmother? Why do they have to be in the story?

Mom said they were the bad guys that don’t want Snow White or Cinderella to be happy. However, no matter how much they try to plot evil schemes to the lovely ladies, the latter always win. In the end, Snow White and Cinderella still get their Prince Charmings and their happy-ever-afters. In this case, I guess I would also see grief as an antagonist. Although most of us see them as a big hindrance from our happy endings, they also challenge us to acquire our fullest potential and become better persons. For some reason, when we think of our enemies, we are able to pull out the sword from the huge rock and victoriously battle with the dragons.

Perhaps grief is inevitable; it’s already a part of life. And with that, it is only impossible to not go through grief after a significant loss. Maybe the person at loss is still in denial and wouldn’t want to accept the fact that a part of them is missing. But it’s a step in the process too, this denial phase.

I remember a year after our US trip, when dad decided to leave our family for another woman, I used to project this strong front when I’m with people. I have always believed that things will be okay for us—that our dad will come to his senses and will be back home eventually. But he never did. No visits, no calls, no letters. It was only then when it dawned on me and every night I would cry myself to sleep with a heavy heart. I realized that I shouldn’t have kept what I felt because it wasn’t good to hold back the tears for a long time. Crying can be good in some instances too: it lessens the weight we feel when we’re sad or frustrated.

What I don’t like though, after a bad experience, is when others tell me to “forget about it” and “move on.” I personally believe that when we lose something significant in our lives (may it be our fault or not), it will always have and remain in a special part in us, even if we don’t admit it. People don’t necessarily understand what we are going through and would tell us otherwise. But for me, it is only human to feel bad about our loss.

Although eventually, we would find ways to make ourselves happy again even if it means doing things people may deem ridiculous (like listening to sad love songs after a break-up) or unreasonable (like locking yourself in your room for the rest of the year after not getting the job you long wanted). We would always aspire to get over that sad feeling. We wouldn’t want to stay inside that hole forever.

The act of resolving grief is relative. It always depends on a person on how they want to go about with it. We go through it alone, but we can also ask for the help of others to make us feel better. Concerned friends and family would remind us that there are greater things in store of us and it’s that promise that we keep holding on to as we eventually learn how to—little by little, piece by piece—not make a big deal out of the whole situation.

We often have this notion that we only have two choices: to dwell on a loss or to forget about it entirely. Even though that always seems to be the case, I believe there is always the option to do neither. Neither do we forget about it not make it the center of our lives altogether. We let it be a guide to us in our grief and life journeys, a hidden scar that strengthens us, that compels us to seek for the good and for the better.

After everything that has happened to me as a kid—with the good and the bad combined—there’s a lesson that I learned and always followed: it’s okay to not be okay. It’s alright to fall down for as long as you’re willing to stand back up again. We obsess ourselves with being too happy all the time and try as much to lessen the sadness. However, it’s through these trying times that we are challenged to step it up a notch, that we are forced to grow as individuals.

I think that’s how I view my life now: I only get what I deserve (and sometimes, even more than I do). If it’s not for me, it’s not for me. For the times that my heart has been broken after being left by people whom I thought cared for me and being rejected by authorities who don’t believe in me, I can’t thank them enough. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am now—a headstrong nineteen-year-old, who isn’t as scared as before to and is very ready to face life’s problems.

Although I never liked roller coasters, I still go through with it. The queasy pre-, during, and post-ride feeling may still be there but I do feel better after one round. It makes me think I’m unstoppable. Besides, how would I even enjoy a particular theme park if I don’t try all the rides? It’s true that sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down. But the ride eventually stops and it only gets better.

Perfect soundtrack

As I am currently reading the articles assigned for class, I am downloading the albums of The Script. I just thought there was no appropriate playlist to set the mood other than one that's filled with their songs.