Baby steps I have to follow

There will always be a kid in me.

I finally know that now, nineteen years and seven months into this life. Though I may be considered an adult by many, I still laugh and cry at the simplest things such as when I witness the beauty of the sunset or allow the cool breeze that come along with the rain to caress me whenever I'm overwhelmed by the busy and stressful days that await me.

Yes, I will always be that kid.

I tend to hold on to things that even when they are taken away from me, I refuse to accept the fact that they are. I was never a big fan of coming into terms with something. I long hated the feelings that rush to me once I do. It's a mix of everything and it gets confusing and frustrating, I can't begin to attend to each one.

But I guess there’s a kid in each and every one of us.

We refuse to face the realities of life even though it has been there, right in front of us, for so long. Some of us even pretend that these problems don’t exist at all, dismissing the thought of being left by a loved one through a break-up, thinking that there are far more important things in life to focus on than a recently ended relationship.

However, it’s only when we see the child in us, we see the adult in us too.

By being aware of the difference of the two, we gradually and eventually learn how to let things go—especially the ones we have no right to get a grip on, those that shouldn’t be holding on to (at least not anymore). We grow, we mature, we move on. We have to. Although it may feel like “one step forward, two steps back” for a time, sooner or later we are impelled to stop regressing and start going forward full speed ahead. That, or we get stuck to where we’ve always been: rock bottom. And mind you, it’s not such a pretty place to stay in for a very long time.

I like the adult in me much better, though.

Truth is, I like being responsible, despite the fact that it wears me out almost all the time. Knowing that I can do anything, even turning my life around, keeps me going. The comforts of being a kid will surely be missed. But to an extent, that having someone to take care of me all the time and watching over my every move can be a bit limiting is an understatement. Just like everybody else, I thrive to be on my own, to take ownership of my self. How can I do that if I remain a child forever?

Still, I’m not saying goodbye.

I know for a fact that I’ll still be meeting with the child in me very soon, because life has been made to have an unexpected nature and I’ll never know when the next “crisis” happens, when the adult in me will feel very lonely. But until that moment, the child in me will be missed.

Word of warning

Something I had to learn the hard way today and days leading to right now:

First of the many

Dear Mama and Papa,

By the time you read this, I have already boarded the Kindertransport on my way to a different country, with my return and our reunion being uncertain.

I don't think I've ever told you how thankful I am to have such wonderful parents like you. You've been very caring of me, teaching me all there is I need to know about life. I hope you won't worry too much about me, I'll be the good girl you always wanted me to be. I'll obey the rules and orders of my foster family and hopefully learn to love them in time.

I promise to write you letters every chance I get and I'll be waiting for your replies. I'll do the best I can to get you out of Germany, I'll find a way.

Please pray for me and my siblings for we too will pray for one another. The Lord will be here to guide us and keep us safe no matter what. I know we'll be together again after all of these events are through.

I love you both very much.

Sasi, 10 years old

In times of trouble

I couldn't imagine myself being one of those children in the Kindertransport. And I don't even want to think about it.

But if I were, at 10 years old, told to pack my bags because I had to leave for another country into the homes of strangers and be away from the comforts of my family, I would definitely bring the following items:

A journal to write all my thoughts and feelings in, because I would need to express myself then more than ever. And perhaps I could compile all the things that I've written and turn it into a book in the future.

My stuffed animal that has been with me since birth. At least I still keep a piece of home and family while I'm in an unknown land.

A photo album with lots of our family photos. So I could keep everyone close to me, despite the distance between us. I will always remember each and every one of them.

My favorite coat to keep me warm and most especially when I'm in need of a loved one's embrace.

And finally, my Bible. For my soul will always rest in Him. I know that everything happens for a reason and in the end, His plan will always be followed. I shall hope that one day, our family will be complete again because that's what God wants for us.

For the love of family

In one way or another, I was moved by everyone in the film: the children, the parents, and the rescuers. I find it impossible to not have felt for anyone after watching the entire movie.

But the person who particularly struck me was Lore Segal, who was 10 years old when she was taken away from her parents. She was a very obedient child that even though she didn’t like to or didn’t know what was happening and what will happen to her, she still followed her parents’ order: she still rode on the Kindertransport.

It seems to me it was a gift–didn’t think so at the time.

Other than the fact that had I undergone the same experiences as her, I too would produce a book about it because it was the only way to express myself and let go of the emotional baggage I have long carried, I thought she was one of the few children that didn’t lose hope about getting her parents out of the catastrophe in Vienna.

Being on the first Kindertransport to leave her country, she felt obliged to bring everyone else to safety, “Before long, I had a list of people who I, at 10 years old, had promised to save from Hitler.”

She made it her top priority to rescue the people she loved as if she had nothing else to do but that. The whole plan dominated her thoughts and deeds, “I think I had a sense...while I was playing, while I was laughing, that was the moment in which I could’ve been and should’ve been doing something about this demand on me that I should bring my parents out.”

She was the one who wrote letters to relatives that eventually reached the Refugee Committee in London and helped to get her parents a domestic service visa. She did whatever she could to be the hero of the family.

Had that happened to me, I too would do the same. I would do whatever it takes to have the rest of my family with me, even if it meant asking strangers for assistance. In the face of adversity, I would step up and make sure that our family is safe from harm.

To this day, I feel responsible for the welfare of my family after the separation of our parents. Despite technically being the second eldest (my twin sister was born a minute before me), I have made it a point that as I am about to finish college here in Ateneo, I will help paying the debts of my mom and give my family the life we deserved—free from fear of not being able to pay the bills on time, enjoying everyday together in our peaceful home.