Two of a kind

If my twin sister Karina dies...

Whenever people find out that I have a twin sister, they always ask me what it’s like. Their questions range from the usual “How does it feel to have and be a twin?” to the most bizarre (but still very common) “When she gets sick, do you get sick as well?” or simply put “Do you feel a certain kind of sadness when she does?” I’d answer them as honestly as I could—the obvious and expected no to the weird questions and the countless “I don’t knows” to the usual ones.

To tell you quite frankly, I can’t explain what life is like having a twin sister. Perhaps it’s due to the very fact that it’s the only life I have. Everything I do is with her. We had the same set of clothes, friends, rooms, and things growing up. I don’t even say “I” as much as I say “we.” I barely say “I live in…” but “We live in...” We’re a buy-one take-one kind of thing. We’re a team.

It’s funny though, to be asked what would happen if she dies *knocks on wood* or if I never had a twin. It had been something I’ve been asking myself since we were little kids. I don’t get it; people want to have twin children or be a twin themselves when they fail to understand how being one isn’t as fun as they expect it to be.

You see, to have a prettier, smarter and nicer sister like Karina isn’t all highs. Being the lesser twin has been a life-long challenge for me. I always have to prove that I too can be as good or maybe even better than her. Whatever she does, I have to do twice as hard. It’s as if her very existence is a threat to mine. And it becomes frustrating as each day passes because people has undying love of a habit to compare us.

Good thing we (mostly I) surpassed the comparisons when we reached fifth grade (maybe because of the separation of our parents). Our bond got stronger; we became the best of friends and promised to help our mom with taking care of our family.

All the while I thought it would be us, together forever, but that changed when she went on her Junior Term Abroad in Singapore for five months. Prior to her trip, the longest time I haven’t been with her was a week. So her JTA posed another problem: I had to learn how to do things on my own and finally move at my own pace. I must admit it was really hard for me because I have been very dependent on my sister. But I guess at some point I just have to grow up, and this was the perfect opportunity.

In the event that she dies, it would be sad, to say the least. Since we don’t really live with our family for four years now because of college, her passing would greatly affect me compared to our other siblings. It’s certain that I would grieve for her everyday. Despite that, her death wouldn’t stop me from pursuing our goal of helping our family. I’m pretty sure my sister would want me to do so. Still she would be my motive, my inspiration to do things. She may not know it but I think she’s my role model of some sorts. Only that, I can and will be my own person.

Yes, my life as a twin may be difficult. But it has taught me a lot of things I know I won’t be able to if I was a singleton. Besides, I wouldn’t have an instant best friend (and occasional worst enemy) if I wasn’t one. With that, I probably wouldn’t have my life any other way.

Strategies and whatnots

You might have to learn a thing or two about living.

Even from horror movies. Because, well, life can be pretty scary too, but we get by.

No exits

The only way out is through.

- Robert Frost

The Southern Way

To describe The Prince of Tides as a good film would be an understatement.

If anything, the beautifully-made layers of conflict and resolve that govern the movie deserved more than just an applause, but a standing ovation. No wonder it garnered a handful of nominations and awards when it was at the peak of its glory. With such a captivating story and riveting cinematography to boot, it's impossible for one's eyes not to stay glued to the screen while watching it. (Except when you're a kid and you don't understand it yet, as I did. I remember how my mom used to watch the film over and over again because of her love for all things Barbra Streisand while I would easily fall asleep next to her.)

The movie exceptionally showed how members of a family experience the same grief but react to it in totally different ways.

Tom Wingo, despite being agonized by his problems, laughs about everything. This method, as he would fondly call it, is "the Southern Way." He had always wanted to forget about the life he lived as a kid but the memories of which never seemed to leave him.

Savannah, Tom's twin sister, on the other hand, took a different identity as Renata Halpern. She wrote books to express herself, release her emotions, and share the wretched past she experienced with her family. She also had countless suicide attempts just to forget and escape from the terrible life she has. This eventually forced her to regularly consult with her psychiatrist, Susan Lowenstein, to get better.

Then we get to Lowenstein, who although is not a member of the family, knows most of their secrets and is therefore affected too. She has family troubles on her own but delays solving them by burdening herself with other people's conflicts.

I could identify myself with these three characters on various levels. Sometimes I'm a Tom who thinks my problems would just go away by always looking at the brighter side of things. I too can be like Savannah, I face my life with a mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel towards certain issues. I also find peace in writing my feelings down. And then I'm a Lowenstein for the very reason that I busy myself with less important aspects of my life like school and org work while neglecting to face my family conflicts. Like her, I'd rather solve other people's problems than mine because they seem a lot easier to handle.

But then I know that I should face life head-on. I just have to learn how to solve my problems as they come and go, else they'll just be stuck there and pile up into something I can't handle anymore. It pays to be courageous. Much more, it saves time and emotions too.

Good vibes all the way

Perhaps everything is just a matter of perspective. Thus, always think: "It will all be better in the end."

Have another happy long weekend, everyone!

The inevitable countdown

If you only have 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Had I a bucket list of sorts, I would waste no time in ticking the boxes. But I don’t, though I must. I’d write, for example, to forgive those who need to be forgiven and forget which ought to be. Perhaps, I would say words I should have and keep those that I’d regret. Number one rule is not to sleep, because a lot can happen with that much amount of time. Then the rest is up to me.

I’d start with the simple things: doing those I usually do and then those I never did, like stay outside for the entire day and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin (or dance in the rain). I’d watch the sunrise and the sunset, something I haven’t done before. I would eat my favorite dishes and go to the places I’ve never been to. I’ll appreciate everything around me a lot more that way. Also, I’d call my best friend up and beg her to come back to the Philippines to spend that day with me. This is especially so because I haven’t been with her since I was 14 and I really miss her.

In a more serious note though, there would be a big possibility that I will hold a living funeral and right away invite everyone I have known since the day I was born. That event would be in the morning and held in an open field. There I’d get overwhelmed by the number of people whose lives I have touched even just by a simple smile or hello. It would be the perfect picker-upper: to know that in my 19 years of existence I was truly appreciated by many. I’d say the things I’d like to say to them but wasn’t able to because I have not gotten the chance before, and they would do the same. Especially with the people I value most in my life such as my family and close friends, we’d spend that part of the day just reminiscing about the good (and maybe even bad) times we’ve shared and how that has affected the relationship we had.

We might even put on a show, much like a mini-concert to celebrate our lives. Everybody is welcomed to join us. It’ll be an afternoon of joy and jamming sessions. It’ll be our way to express ourselves. I have loved music for the longest time and I think singing and performing would be a good way to connect to people. Also with their help, we would altogether gather my writings and ask someone to publish it into a book. It will be a compilation of my works. There I would also be writing my last words. You see, publishing my own book, above all, has been my top life goal and it would be a shame if it doesn’t happen. Through out the day, I would let someone take lots of photos and document my every move. The photos could be included in my book also.

Finally, at night, I’d just spend more time with my family, because I know they’ll be greatly affected by my passing. I’ll assure them that everything will be alright and make them understand the reality of death. Life goes on no matter how much we don’t want it to. It’s just that, my time has finally come and I know for sure I’ll be happy as ever. I only wish that the people around me will be too.

"I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived." – Willa Cather

All we need is love

With that and optimism, for sure our days will keep getting better.

Sorry for the lack of updates. School has been nothing but a frenemy to me these past few days--I just had to deal with her over and over again. Ugh. Stay happy, though! I know I should and I will. :)

The good in goodbye

The article “The New Grief: How Modern Medicine Has Transformed Death and Grief” illustrates the changes on how people viewed death and dying due to the noteworthy advances in science, specifically in the medical field. This kind of grief allows individuals to come into terms with the inevitability of death, instilling a new reality that equips and welcomes them into an understanding people from the olden days refuse to acknowledge.

Although many tend to reject the idea entirely, this shift poses quite a lot of bearable things too, if not good. We learn how to put value in life a little bit more than we used to. We hug a bit tighter, hold a little longer, and do everything else in bigger proportions. Mourning gets complicated but mornings (and eventually nights) are spent better than the previous ones.

I used to hate it when people sugarcoat bad experiences and tag them as “blessings in disguise” just so they could make misfortunes look good. But then, after years of encountering such idiom, the attitude of looking at the bright side of things has caught on to me. It stayed even to this day. Without fail I have appreciated the simple things no matter how immensely small they are.

People should learn how to find the light in the darkest corners of their experiences. They should see and approach every situation in a new standpoint—one that is greatly outshone by faith and optimism.

So inasmuch as we cringe at the prospect of goodbyes—especially the long, hurtful, and expected ones—it will only lead us to an endless array of hellos. And what's better than that?

Even Facebook agrees

This was my Word for the day and probably for the rest of my funny life:

Oh yeah, finally, there's class tomorrow!